*Trigger warning – child loss* You would all look at this picture and see two buckets of coloured pencils and textas. Nothing particularly exciting or remarkable about it right? You could not be more wrong…
When I look at this picture my heart hurts and tears fall out my eyes each time I look at them..
These 2 containers filled with Crayola have sat just like they are for nearly 2 years. Yep 2 years. The colours separated into their similar shades has been done by my daughter. I remember exactly the day she sat and took them out of the packets and it was one of the last days I had my babies in my home.
So here they have sat unused. Colouring in pencils that hold so much meaning for me I have had to put them in a cupboard away from every day sight as I burst into tears sobbing when ever I see them. Items which look so insignificant to those who wouldn’t know.
There are many things of similar memories that I have hidden away out of my every day sight. Hidden because they hold so much meaning if anything were to happen to them it would devastate me. Hidden because the mere glimpse of them for me brings to the forefront of my mind the faces of my babies and the loss I have endured and grief washes over me and I’m inconsolably on my knees crying for the children who have been taken from me.
For those parents living the unimaginable like me every day the triggers are everywhere. We all have items like this that are so heartbreakingly full of meaning that they are put away out of sight so we are able to function and get through the day. Things we put away in the beginning with the hope when they return to us they will be here for them just as they left them.
As time goes on and the reality that these things left behind are actually all we have left. The only evidence that remains of our children being with us and the painful memories they hold become our most treasured possessions. A symbol of all we have lost.
Belinda Dalton, Australian single mum and member of the Australian Single Mum Support Facebook group